Wordless(ish) Wednesday...Aaron and Santa 12/3/13

Hello Friends.

The following photo was taken I do not know how many years ago. This photo is my youngest brother when he was a teenager. He is 5 years younger than me so, you do the math.

Anyway, doesn't he look thrilled to be taking a picture on Santa's lap? HA!

Oh, and Santa...just happened to be our Dad!

~Naila Moon

Pre-Memorial Day ...why I went

By the time you read this, I will already be in Indianapolis for the Memorial Day weekend 500 car race.  I will certainly be hot but I will not be alone as there will be thousands others.


However, I most likely will be the only person, other than my Mom, who will be there remembering my Dad and laying his ashes to rest.


You see, my Dad began going to the races practically from the time he was born. Since he was born in Indiana, it sort of makes sense. He went every year except for when my twin brothers were born and when I graduated from High School...truth be known, I think he went then. He was unable to go the last two years of his life due to his health.


In any case, he was a crazy fan. So crazy that come May 1st, Dad started watching the stats and all on TV and you best just not bother him.


But coming to Indianapolis was like coming home for Dad. He cried when the song "My Home in Indiana" was sung and cried again at the end of the race.  Yes, Indianapolis was indeed home and that is where he always told us where he wanted to be in the end...home!


Dad passed away last June and was cremated per his wishes. It was always understood that we were to bring his ashes to Indianapolis 500 the very next race...aka this weekend...and spread his ashes over the track as best as we could.


My brothers could not make it for reasons of their own and have decided to come later. However, my Mom and I are here. We are braving the horrible heat, swollen ankles and such to be here. Here where Dad wanted to be....Home in Indiana.


I miss you Dad. 


Love to you always,
Your Mashugana

Memories of the heart

"The heart hath its own memory, like the mind. And in it are enshrined
the precious keepsakes, into which is wrought the giver’s loving thought." ~ H.W. Longfellow

 

Have you ever been some place or waiting for something and a memory just floods back at you? It could even be a memory that was long forgotten or maybe even never remembered until that very moment in time?

This is exactly what happened to me today.   I was waiting in my car as my husband was filling up the gas tank. A memory of my Dad came rushing at me at such a pace that I could almost not breathe.

Here is the memory:
A few years back, I was at home in the early evening/afternoon.  I received a call from my doctors office informing me of some test results I had previously that week.  The results were that I was diagnosed with having diabetes type 2.  I remembered that I was totally upset and called my Dad. (I do not remember where my Mom was). 

Over the phone he said not to worry and that I would be alright and "we" would do what we had to do.  He calmed me down and I told him ok. Then I hung up wit him.

I had calmed myself for about 10 minutes when he walks in the door but my Dad.  He had not been at work that long when I called him.  I asked him what he was doing home and he said, "My daughter was upset and I needed to be home with her, so, here I am."

I remember telling him that he did not have to come home but I was glad he did. He spent the rest of the evening just talking with me about whatever.


----------------------
I can honestly say that this memory had been long forgotten and pushed out by so many other not so great memories. Dad and I spent years angry at each other for what now seems so stupid.  I wish that I could have remembered this a long time ago.  Maybe it would have made a difference to me, maybe not.  In any case, I am glad that I remember it because it brings something positive to my life. Something positive about Dad.


I cannot help to think that maybe even Dad...wherever he is now...possibly remembered this time too and wanted me to remember the positive times between us.  I am glad that I did no matter what.

I miss my Dad in ways that are unbelievable now.


~Naila Moon

Mondays Music on Tuesday...Year 2011

Well, here we are near the end of 2011. Whoa what a year it has been! I can honestly say, I do not care to go through another year like this one EVER again. I miss my family members so much and the pains of other things that occurred this year was well...almost too much.


Thinking about this past year and the fact it is Music Monday (on Tuesday) because I got lazy and didn't post, because I was extremely busy I didn't post and that the theme is New Year songs or best in review;  I thought I would share this first video that says it all.



So many people lost loved ones this year (including our head conductor Xmas Dolly) but this song has spoken to me so strongly I had to share it.

I found another that I think speaks to the heart:





And yet another:





My wish for all of you is to love those that are here with you as much as you can, find peace in your hearts and to know, we are all in this world together and we are not alone.

Peace...Naila Moon

Day 21...Dad's birthday

Today would have been my Dad's 74th birthday. I do miss seeing his face....that is the face I saw before his beginning to pass. That was certainly a difficult thing to deal with and at this point, I am not sure if it will ever leave me.

This is a photo of my Dad (right) on his 1st birthday.

I received a wonderful "gift" for Dad's birthday today. Mom gave me an old camera he had. It was the old box type similar to the one I have pictured here.  The only difference is that the lenses are one on top of another.

This is certainly a treasured gift for me. Upon his passing I received another camera of his which was also old. Somewhere around here there is also an old Pentax which will also be mind if we can find it. 


Anyway, not that you ever read my blogs or that you can now but I miss you. Love you Dad.


Until next time...Peace,
Naila Moon

Day 16...The gift of life...organ donation.

In the last two days, I have been reading books simply for the pleasure of it. At this point, you may be saying, "So what?" However, since I am usually reading college books, it is certainly a nice change. 

The irony is the two books I chose are closely related.  I want to talk with you about this one first.

If you have not read this book then I recommend you do.  Although, Natalie Cole is well known for her singing and her famous dad, it is not that well known as to how close she was to her sister.  

This book however, is more than that. This book is about two sets of sisters and how they come together to help Natalie live.  Natalie speaks highly of her kidney donor and the blessing she received from it. Her donor's sister, Patty, wrote one line that resonated with me. (paraphrased) "I knew when I touched Natalie's side that Jessica was living on. I felt her presence."


As you may or may not know, I am a proponent for organ donation.  My Dad believed in it so much that he managed to get the bill passed in Missouri for all people to be asked if they wanted to donate upon receiving their license.


Upon his passing a few months ago, his eyes were donated to a potential donor. Unfortunately, that was all he could donate due to his own health issues.  The nice thing was and for that matter is, my Dad's life lives on.  His presence, even if only a small part, lives on.


This knowing makes me happy, just as it did Patty.


~Naila Moon


For your listening pleasure :)

Did you practice your oohh and ahhhs before the big moment?/Update

Yesterday was July 4th...Happy Birthday USA!
Tamirisc and I sat outside (getting bit by mosquitoes) and enjoyed the shows around Po Dunk. Some people really put on a show too! Whoo.


Anyway, as I sat there (wishing I had bug spray), I could not help to think of how grateful I am to live in a country where I am free. Free to say want I want and live how I want...that is, within reason.


It is a privilege to live here and have those freedoms but yet, we have to take them with responsibility too. Hurting others with our words and our actions is not what having freedom is about nor what I think anyone should be about. I believe we need to take care of each other and be kind to each other. Having said that though, as a nation, we can only do so much.  What I am really talking about is in our own homes...a responsible freedom starts there.


Anyway, I am a grateful citizen and again, Happy Birthday USA. See you again for your birthday next year but maybe with some cake!
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Update:
I am still reeling from the events in the last week and last few months. It has been difficult to say the least on my family. I thank you to those who have sent kind words...especially to those that feel my pain at this time because you can relate.  


I hope to get back to regular blogging in the next week. 


Peace...Naila Moon

The blog you never want to write or R.I.P.

My blogger friends,

I have not had the energy to blog in the last week for my focus was on my Dad. He went in to respite care the day before Father's day as my Mom was going to take a much needed rest and small vacation.  I was to take care of him after five days of respite. He had liver, colon, and lung cancer. He also had COPD, a heart condition and two aneurysms.  The man seemed to have nine lives.

I went to visit him everyday.

This Monday he began to take a weird turn. He got progressively worse and on Wednesday he passed away. 

I was the only one with him on the day he took his last breathe. I had just put his favorite singer on, Sarah Brightman, and watched  him say goodbye to this world.  He had no pain and the music made him seem to be even more at peace.

I wish that I could say that gives me some comfort. In some ways it does, in other ways, it does not.

I am grateful that I got to spend the last few days with him even if he could not speak to me. We spoke about a few memories we had together and at one point I saw a tear come from his eyes. Maybe this was a knowing or a wishing that things had been different between us.  Maybe it was just simply a moment of time that had gone by that was good and precious. Truly, I cannot be for sure.

Even as I write this I am utterly sick of the time that was wasted over the years.  The time I spent ticked at him for something that happened 23 years ago. Or the times that I felt so alienated by him. Why did forgiveness not come sooner?


Yet, the last 6 months had been wonderfully great and there in the end, it was just he and I. It was just a father and a daughter spending the time he had left together with only an understanding of love.

I will and do miss my Dad already.  I could never have imagined him being gone from this earth and yet he is. I am blessed in knowing and in what my faith tells me, that he is with me in spirit. That I suppose is where the comfort truly lies.
He was an organ donor so it is also great to know that someones life will be blessed because of his gift.

So, Dad, I love you. I will miss your humor and your endless trivia, but most of all, I will miss your face.  It is not so much as goodbye as see you later.

Peace...Naila Moon

Turning point

I suppose there comes a point in everyone's life where you just plain get old.  I am not sure when that is exactly because I have always thought being old was a state of mind. 

I do not want to be a downer or anything but getting too old sometimes worries me. I am 43. Is that TOO old? Truly, I do not think so but for some it just may be.

What really has me thinking about all this tonight is my father.  My father is 73 years old. To some he may be a young whipper snapper. To others, he is really ancient.  His outlook for himself is rather grim.
You see, he acts like someone who is really 100.  Maybe it is because he is dying.  He has liver and lung cancer along with COPD and heart failure.  He must be on oxygen 24/7.

This afternoon, my Mom (who is 71 and acts 40) decided along with the doctor that Dad had to be put in to a nursing home. It is not an easy decision to make.  (Dad does not know this yet.)

Simply put, he is becoming more and more difficult to handle with his problems and he is increacinly becoming forgetful. However, he is quite lucid. He sleeps all the time. It is getting to a point where he cannot be left alone at all! We have truly come to a turning point.  

The truth of the matter is he was supposed to have passed before now. He was diagnosed in October and they only gave him through January. Some how he is hanging on. We think it is the power of prayer because let me tell you, he is covered.

So the question is... is he now TOO old? 


Have you faced this? How do you feel about turning another day older? Have you had to put someone you love in a nursing home?

Peace...Naila Moon 

Sometimes enough is enough! Pass the Tylenol!

You know, sometimes it seems like life just hands you stuff over and over and it seems like it will never, ever end!

Since January 29th, my life has just been absolutely crazy.  To start things off my husband being hit by a car. Not even two days later my son was in a car wreck and subsequently fell on the ice not yet two days after that.

This past Friday, my daughter was in a scheduled surgery for kidney stone removal and stent removal. The surgery went fine for the most part except they left one stone (the size of a plum) in her because it would not release itself. The other stone she had (which by the way was the same size) they were able to remove.  Idiots!

Anyway, she went to work today but has now returned to the ER because she is in massive pain. Hmm...ya think?

Needless to say, even as I blog, she has now been admitted and is on pain management and being scheduled for surgery!

The kicker in all of this...I am 3 states away and cannot be there for her. In fact no one is there and I have been chatting with her over FB and text.  What is a Mom to do when she cannot be there for her child? Gah!!!!!!!!!!

Oh and of course if that is not enough, I still have my Dad's issue looming in the back of my brain. Oh yeah, and trying to go to school.

Pass me the Tylenol please, I have had enough!

~Naila Moon

Learning to Dance In the Rain

"Life's not about waiting for the storm to pass...It's about learning to dance in the rain."~Vivian Green

 Over the holidays I was reminded about how precious life is and how we should never take if for granted. Case in point is my relationship with my Dad.

 I have not spoken too much here about my Dad's condition but I would like to if you will allow me the moment or two.  You see my Dad is dying.  I know, I know...we all are in truth, but my Dad literally only has a few more days of life left.

You see, my Dad is dying of cancer. He has it spread throughout different parts of his body and was given 2 months to live. That was going on almost 2 months ago.  His life in the last few years was mundane and well, in my mind forgettable. Our relationship was extremely strained. In fact, I was angry with him for years.

So, how I learned to dance?  Well, over the holidays, I decided to talk...really talk with my Dad. Tell him how I felt and clear the air so to speak.

The conversation lasted 15 minutes but it was the most fruitful and loving 15 minutes of my life. He told me he was sorry for the mistakes and attitudes he took with me and hoped I would forgive him some day.

I told him, I forgave him two years ago and was just waiting to hear that he was sorry.  The weight lifted for both of us. Forgiveness is truly something of the heart and I am truly grateful for those 15 minutes.

I learned to dance!

I am forever grateful for the littlest moments in life.  I always have been but sometimes I need to be reminded. Sometimes, I just need to remember that as life is happening around me, I need to stop and appreciate it. 


I will miss Dad whenever it is time for him to leave this Earth but I also know that we are now both at peace with each other. What little time we have left together will be time to dance in the rain and enjoy it for it is precious.


Peace...Naila Moon


Learning to Dance in the Rain Movie | Learning to Dance In The Rain
 

The stuff ya know but don't always want to...

As 2010 comes to a close, like so many other people, I am reflecting on the year and looking in to next year.
This past year was tough on so many people and my family was not immune to that fact. My aunt's breast cancer journey was awful, tough and inspirational all at the same time. I am happy to say, she survived it! Blessed be!

However, moving in to the end of the year, our family was hit with another blow. This one much closer to home and one I have thus far silently dealt with.
My Dad was diagnosed with lung, liver and colin cancer a few weeks ago and was given only1-2 months to live. Essentially, they have given him until the end of January...if then.

The family that could fly home (us) or was near home came for Christmas. It was wonderful, not sad at all but joyful. It reminded me of what Christmas was always like at home.

I stayed an extra week this week because I needed too. I needed to talk with Dad a while and clear the air for we had a tumultous relationship for a few years.We did talk, it was short but meaningful. Then I read him stories that he had written.

 I can say that forgiveness is truly a peacefulness to the heart.

I go home tommorow from here.  I can say it will not be easy to get on a plane knowing that I will never get to say hello, goodbye or simply, I love you,ever again. It is not easy to think I will never see him alive again. What I do know is he is my Dad and I will miss him.

What I also know is that 2011, although a new year,I am sure will be another tough one. However with faith, strength and an incredibly strong family, we will make it through.

I wish you peace and love this new year.
Happy New Year.

Naila Moon